Bad Bunni
Bunni is trying to taunt me into participating in the 8 traits of an ideal partner meme. Just to spite her (and because the alternative is work this late afternoon) I’m going to see about playing along.
1) Kind
2) Homebody
3) Adventuresome
4) Reader
5) Foodie
6) Humble/thrifty
7) Horny
8) Asian
Hey, it’s my list and I don’t have to justify it. Interestingly, my partner of nearly 20 years scores slightly over 4/8. I’m trying to figure out if that means I’m easygoing, confused or what?
If you’re female and score 7 or 8, be sure to email pictures and snailmail cookies!
What if one is humble but not thrifty? It may seem like hairsplitting, but really, that’s the difference between a 6 and a 7—except that I haven’t been all that kind lately, so it’s the difference between a 5 and a 6…ah, hell, can I just bribe you with cookies?
Posted by Bakerina on 02/07 at 07:05 PMDid I mention “non-hairsplitting?” Seriously, there’s probably a term for what I was trying to express linking those two terms—perhaps “unostentatious” ... nah, that’s not quite right. Let’s just say she enjoys her le Creuset as much as the next person, but she enjoys it a lot more for having picked it up at 1/4 of retail at a thrift shop or flea market.
Posted by 'mouse on 02/07 at 07:18 PMOkay, that kind of thrift I can live with. That puts me in solid 6 territory, 7 on the kind days, which makes me so happy that I will not spank you for that little comment about the hairsplitting. :P
Posted by Bakerina on 02/07 at 07:36 PMOh man I hit 7 of 8 and I can make cookies! snugglerama here I come.
Posted by Bunni on 02/08 at 10:52 AM7 of 8 for me, too…
If you had made this list 20 years ago, do you think it would have been the same as it is now? If I were to make my own list now, I doubt that my husband would score above 6 of 8 - but that was not always the case.
Posted by Kimberly on 02/08 at 01:30 PMAh, Kimberly, your question brings up a couple interesting issues. How has my list changed over time, and why?
20 years ago, the list would have included “motivated” or “driven” in the career-oriented, feminist kind of way. I wanted a mate who wanted her own success and I was ready to support her in every way. I married a woman whose career aspirations are to work part-time handling the books in our office. She’s happy. Who am I to complain? It’s the best of both worlds for both of us.
20 years ago, I would not have put the same premium on “kindness.” Of course everyone sees him or herself as just the right amount “kind.” But I’m talking about the deep, optimistic good-witch type of kindness where it would seem alien to hear the person badmouth anyone, ever. That’s the ideal in the ideals list. If the average blue-state liberal, Democrat, reasonably nice person scores a 50 on a scale of 100, I’d realistically put my wife at a 40 or 45 on the side of judgmental or slight meanness. Not so bad as to be terribly unpleasant but a serious drag on my own slightly-better-than normal score.
In the old days I would have put “down-to-earthness” on the list in a form more basic than the “humble/thrifty” I listed now. As just one indicator, of where I come from, I’ve never dated a woman who wore makeup on a regular basis. The skewing of this ideal so strongly toward the thrift side has come in the last 5 years while I’ve watched a good friend (who makes exactly what I make) spiral toward the edge of bankruptcy while I’ve moved ten years towards retirement goals in just the last five years. His new wife is a spendthrift and it triggers stupid spending on his part. My wife is the opposite. And it makes all the difference.
20 years ago I would not have put “homebody” on the list. However, 15 years ago, after traveling extensively, I learned of my own strong cravings for a stable home.
The rest, no real changes.
And you?
Posted by 'mouse on 02/08 at 08:26 PMIt’s taken me a while to respond, ‘mouse, because your question, and this meme in general, stirred up a lot of sadness for me.
When I first met and fell in love with the man who is now my husband (25 years ago), he was 8 for 8 on what I imagine my list would have been:
1. Smart as a whip
2. Emotionally perceptive
3. A lover of language, both written and spoken
4. Passionate - per Bunni’s description
5. A feminist - per your description of yourself above
6. Competent/confident
7. Ambitious
8. OptimisticAfter twenty-five years, half of which we spent apart, my husband scores about 4 1/2 of 8 on that list. I no longer care so much about ambition or even optimism (though I still find it appealing), and they don’t make it on the current list. In fact, I’d scrap the bottom half of my old list for these:
5. Sense of humor - funny was underrated in my family of origin. I was well into adulthood before I realized how important shared laughter is to a relationship.
6. Kind/Gentle - same kind of good witch kindness you mention. Per your rating system, I’d self score perhaps 70 or 75. And I hear what you’re saying about a lower-scoring spouse being a drag on that.
7. Emotionally resilient - I feel like the wicked witch writing this, as it’s now an ideal because I wish my husband were more resilient. No one deserves the sort of medical problems that my husband had and has, but my ideal partner would be both actively working through his feelings about what he has lost, and trying to make all that he can of his life now.
8. Productive/has a sense of purpose - I guess this is what has replaced ambitious and confident on my first list. Softer, less competitive, more inwardly focused.
On the current list, my husband scores about 5 1/2 of 8. I can’t tell you how much I wish I could give him that point for #7.
Posted by Kimberly on 02/10 at 03:43 PMThanks, Kimberly, for the response. I’ll probably mail you privately to keep the discussion going when/if I have time.
Meanwhile, you’ve now got me pensively thinking about trying to step into my wife’s head (she’s not that emotionally expressive and I’m not really sure I’d want her real answers—sleeping dogs and all that…) to think about what her list from 20 years ago looked like, how it looks today, and how I scored then and score now. I think the exercise of my thinking this through will be nearly as interesting (and revealing about me) as if we just asked her.
Posted by 'mouse on 02/10 at 07:17 PMOddly enough, my “friend” of eight years decided to ask me this very question last night…
I have no answer to this…
A perfect mate is a joke.
Sometimes, we don’t know what we want until it is…there.
I will however offer one thing I require: SIMPLICTY
Posted by JadedBeauty on 05/16 at 02:32 AM
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